11th November
Sometimes I want to cry and cry and cry and cry until I fall asleep exhausted or I want to run and run and run and run till my legs give out and I fall down where I stop. I want to punch something, kick something, I want to scream at the pounding turf matching its fury tide after tide, I want to dive into the ocean and let the coldness of the sea water jolt me awake from this stupor, I want to lie watching the stars cover the inky black sky, I want someone to hug me so tight it feels like I'm being crushed. I want to listen to the waves crashing against the rock and watch the spray shoot high up in the air like water confetti. I want to listen to the pounding of feet on the pavement, the breaking of ice on a frozen pond. I want to talk endlessly and watch the snow drift down, watch my breath become tiny puffs of white cloud in the cold air. I want you to hug me and say that everything is all right. I want to just sit beside you listening to you talk or lie on top of you listening to the rumble of your voice when you speak and the steady lub dub lub dub of your pumping heart. I want to fall into a mound of white fluffy pillows that smell like fresh linen, that will cover a gigantic bed.I want strawberries with chocolate. I want vanilla ice cream during the rainy days. I want kisses in the rain but not the cold that will eventually follow, do you notice how in movies no one gets sick after frolicking in the rain? Must be the ho shua. I want hands linking over a shared moment, long telephone conversations punctuated by easy silences, not those silences that have you going 'OMG what SHOULD I say now, no, no pressures of having to make convo, just easy silences just because we know each other so well. I want to build a bridge to bring us closer, yet I want to set fire to that bridge cause chaos will inevitably follow.I want to glimpse just what's in your mind, maybe hold your heart in my hands for awhile, then return in to where it should be. I want to fall in love with the same guy everyday for as long as I live, kisses on the forehead during a bright sunny day, I want my best friend to always be there to pick up the fucked up pieces of my life when I accidentally shatter it. I want my phone to ring with your name on the screen I want to look in the mirror to see a reflection of me, that I can truly accept. I want to be able to stop loving you , and I know I can in the foreseeable future, soon, maybe, quite possibly. I want to lie on my bed just looking at the dust motes flying about and turning golden cause they reflect the sunlight streaming from the open window. I want to see your eyes light up when you're talking about something you're passionate about. I want to relive all those times, yet I want to throw them all away. I want explanations, ultimatums, but I'm scared of having to face the road ahead alone, I'm afraid of the answers I might get to my questions. I want to know yet I don't want the know the truth, because I don't think I can handle it, I want to know when you will return the folded origami, then I will finally know it's the absolute end to everything. I want to know why we've changed but I think deep down I already know why. I want love, just a different kind, I want love won't break me down won't brick me up, won't fence me in, that's the love I want, I want love. I want candy floss on a summer's day. I want serenity tranquility and most of all, I want things to return like how they once were.
And that was then when I was super melancholy.
Now it's different I think I hope maybe, possibly, most probably, quite so. Indeedy do.
Bibbity bobbity bo.
Love, Hugs and Kisses.
Jean.
If I could write you a song to make you fall in love I'll already have you up under my arm. LOL joking, I'll be single forever.
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